As His Footsteps Fade Away
by tsunderegirl99
Summary: Because if Killua were to see Gon again, all the resolve he has built up over the past two years will shatter. Warning: mild yaoi, shounen-ai, bit of romance between boys.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Hunter x Hunter or any of it's characters.**

**A/N: This is a KilluGon fic! So, warning: mild yaoi, shounen-ai...Well, so this has a bit boy x boy..so if you don't like, then don't read. I am a fujioshi, but there is not much of yaoi in this fic, or else this fic wouldn't have worked out. So, I am grateful to my self-control.**

**Enjoy!**

… … … … … … … … … … … … … …

**As His Footsteps Fade Away**

… … … … … … … … … … … …

_"Don't look back."_

This is what Killua thinks, in that painful moment, when he and Gon part ways.

Because for the life of him, he does not want to see Gon turn his back to him.

He knows his heart will stop if he does.

And so, smile vanishing the second he turns, he walks away from the boy who has changed his world. Has become his world.

Who is now slowly shattering his world with just two unspoken words.

_"Goodbye, Killua."_

His cheeks feel warm from the tears that never come.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

And just like that, two years pass.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

Bright Christmas lights are reflected on the glass pane, dozens of colours visible to his cold blue eyes. As the room is on a lower floor, he can see the people on busy street bustling around, bulging bags in the hands of many. The happy mood has just started to set in, he can tell, from the glowing faces.

Killua sighs, stepping away from the window.

He isn't even sure why he is here, in the first place.

The reason, or rather, the person behind this situation is his beloved sister, Alluka. Who is apparently a Christmas lover. He, himself, doesn't care about Christmas and so, he hadn't been the least bit interested when his sister had pointed out that the town where they had planned to stay in next was known for celebrating Christmas. But the price you pay for being a good older brother is to lose your will against your sister's adorable smile.

And so, here he is. In a five-star hotel, located in said town.

Today is just the seventeenth of December. They plan to stay for six days.

He sighs again.

He and Alluka had been on the way to Leorio's house, before they had decided to stop here. Well, before his sister had decided to stop and had manipulated him to agree. Whatever the case had been, they were to leave for Leorio's place on Christmas morning, and to arrive by evening. His house was quite nearby and hence, the journey was possible.

The meeting had been fixed just last month and they had decided that the end of the year was the perfect time. They would meet up and talk about their respective experiences for the past couple of years. Honestly, he is quite excited to see his friends, after having not talked to them for a long while. He had been surprised when his sister had somehow got hands on Leorio's business card. As he had found out, Leorio is now now a successful doctor, his practice going smoothly. Leorio had managed to somehow contact Kurapika and so they were all meeting.

It would just be the three of them this time.

_Oh no..._

He feels the all too familiar heavy feeling take over his heart as the thought of the missing fourth member of their group comes to his mind. The one who neither Leorio nor Kurapika have been able to find. Killua himself is out of question.

Don't got there, he tells himself. You know it's forbidden territory.

He knows he shouldn't think about it. He knows what it'll do to him. He knows, and yet, the thought hasn't left his mind for the past two years.

A boy with the warmest brown eyes travels against the flow of his thoughts. An image of his sunny smile, brimming with innocence and cheerfulness appears in his mind and inspite of himself, a bittersweet smile appears on his lips.

But truth is absolute. And all he can do is accept it.

Gon had left him. His best friend in the whole world back then, the one who had been the most precious and had meant the world to him had left him. Sure, at that time, he had agreed and said that he understood that Gon needed to continue alone. He had understood, for sure. But somewhere, that understanding had been half-hearted.

He hadn't been able to picture how a life without Gon would be like.

And truth be told, he still doesn't know.

It's not like the past two years have been bad. Infact, they have been quite good. He has had some really fun times. Having Alluka by his side is a good feeling and life has been pleasant too. Travelling is fun and he has visited many places. On top of it, he is now getting the chance to see his two close friends once again and he is rather excited about it. It really has been way too long. So, it definitely is something to look forward to.

And yet, he can't help but think that he can give all of it up if he just gets to see that one person.

And that strange empty feeling returns.

And when it does, Killua finds himself getting lost in the past. Floating, running behind the boy's back, covered in the familiar green fabric, which he had never even seen. But maybe he should have.

Then, maybe, he would have been able to accept it. And get rid of the hope of seeing him again.

He curses under his breath, scowling.

"Brother!" Alluka gasps in a disapproving manner, from her place on the bed. He almost jumps, having forgotten her presence in the room. He turns around, grinning sheepishly.

She frowns at him, arms folded in front of herself.

"Language." She looks at him in a stern manner, like a mother with a child. Well, she sure is doing a better job than his real one.

"Sorry," He says, rubbing at the back of his neck, bashful. A habit, his mind notes, which Gon used to have.

He fights back the urge to bang his head against the wall.

It's been more than two years. Two long years.

Just how sick is he?

"Anyway, I am planning to go out for a while." Alluka's voice breaks into his thoughts, and he is grateful. "Are you coming along?"

He considers her question for a moment, as well as the consequences of his decision. If goes along, he will be pulled into shopping by Alluka. But if he doesn't, he will be alon in the room, thinking about a person with spiky black hair that could have been a bird's nest for all he knew. And he's be damned if he let his sister, no matter how independent she is, roam alone in this crazy town.

Briefly, he wonders if Gon has cut his hair even once in two years.

Yes, he is definitely going.

He nods and Alluka breaks out into such a happy smile that he feels guilty when he thinks about the real reason behind his decision.

And so, they step out of the room.

… … … … … … … … … … … … …

_"Hey, Killua!"_

_"..."_

_"Killua! Why won't you answer me?"_

_"..."_

_"Killua, stop ignoring me!"_

_"...Go away, my crazy imagination."_

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

Two hours later, Killua decides that this is exactly how he had predicted it to be.

At this moment, he stands in the middle of a shopping aisle, two bags gripped tightly in his hands. Alluka and him have parted ways and currently he is shopping for his set of gifts. He feels guilty, because he knows exactly what Alluka wants and that it is so easy to get, but he knows that Alluka is gonna have a hard time shopping for him. He has already bought Kurapika's, Leorio's and Alluka's gift and now all that is left is the gift for G-

And thet's when it strikes him that the people present besides him, are just going to be three.

So, what is he doing here, looking for a fourth gift?

He frowns. It had taken him months to stop buying the snacks that Gon used to love, when he went to but Alluka's. More months to stop screaming that name the moment he woke up in the morning, expecting a pillow in the face. And even more months to get used to absence of the warm body beside him, snoring peacefully.

But apparently, that much practice did not apply to Christmas presents.

He sighs and turns around, wanting to punch himself.

And feels his breath catch as soon as he spots the boy.

He feels himself freeze.

The boy has spiky black hair that stand up straight, catching attention. The skin of his neck is tanned and looks warm. His eyes are a warm brown as he looks back at Killua, blinking in confusion. Killua doesn't even know what he is doing and feels his hand, bag still in hand, reach out involuntary. His hand touches the red fabric of the boys shirt.

"_Wait-...Red?"_

The realisation comes a bit too late.

The boy is already smiling a small crooked smile, a feat that Gon would never be able to perform and backs away. "Excuse me?" he says in a breathless voice and Killua can practically see his true intent lurking underneath the words. He frowns at his absent-mindeness, and wonders how he even thought that Gon would wear such a ridiculous colour. Gon always wears forest colours, black or green.

And why is that boy still here?

"S-Sorry." Killua mutters the apology under his breath, turning around. He walks towards the door, feet shuffling in speed. He bumps into at least ten people before he reaches the exit. As soon as he is out, he leans against the wall, panting slightly. His tight grip on the bags threatens to cut of circulation, his fingers having gone dangerously white.

And his thoughts catch up to him.

He had thought he was past mistaking random boys with spiky hair, thtat were like that probably just for fashion, for Gon, who's hair were probably like that because of his tendency to get into messes. He had thought he was past feeling that small twinge of disappointment when those strangers turned out to not be Gon. And, if this is how hefelt around someone who just looked like Gon, how was he going to react when the real thing showed up in front of him, someday?

And, he hates himself for the small hope that rises at that thought.

"Brother!" The voice breaks into his thoughts and he turns to spot Alluka standing on the same side of the sidewalk, under the giant Christmas tree that has been placed there today. For the first time, he takes notice of his surroundings. The Christmas tree is the center of attention, ornaments hanging from every side, new one being added every minute by the people around it. Alluka stands beside it, waving frantically, a small bag in hand. He coughs, waving back, shortly.

He walks over to Alluka, and stands beside her, his grip on the bags loosening, wanting to wipe away any evidence of his current predicament. Alluka just smiles at the bags, apparently not noticing in her excitement. He holds back the sigh of relief when he notices the gleam in her eyes, that clearly spells 'danger' for him.

"I heard..." she says, gesturing at the ornaments. "...that if you hang a ornament and make a wish, it will come true."

"How stupid-" is what Killua starts with, but the words get stuck in his throat when Alluka gives him a sharp glare that reminds, once again, that she is a Zoldylock, after all. He grins nervously, not wanting to upset her more. "..I mean, that's good, but it's not like you are going to do it, right?"

Even when he says that, he knows that his question is useless. The smile on her face says it all.

"..I am," she says, proving him right. "And so are you."

He cringes, mentally ofcourse.

"But not today." Her voice is low and she suppresses a yawn with her palm. "Let's just go back, for now."

He grins, truly, for the first time, that night, nodding. Briefly, he shoots a curious look towards the small bag in Alluka's hand, wondering about its contents. She hides it behind her, shaking her head. He shakes his head, turning around, gesturing her to follow behind him. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees her start to walk.

He shivers slightly, at the uncomfortable feeling of the cold against his arms.

Ah, the idea of his bed sounds so good right now.

But, with all the stupid thinking he has been doing about Gon, today, he probably won't sleep a wink.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

_"...You are not here, you are not here."_

_"That's mean, Killua! I am right here..."_

_"..You are not here."_

_"Killua, I am not going anywhere!"_

_"...You already have."_

_"What?"_

_"Just go to sleep, brain."_

… … … … … … … … … … … … … …

Killua wakes up, opening his eyes to darkness, sweating profusely, his shirt practicall drenched. Another dream. Another dream about Gon. This one had been a replay of that night at Whale island, the one where he and Gon had slept beside the fire, under the stars. Where Gon had told how much he loved his, Killua's company and he had turned red with embarrassment. And yet, that brief happiness had been felt.

He creeps under the covers, remembering the frantic beating of his heart on hearing those words. But, for the life of him, Killua doesn't understand why his heartbeat picks up right now.

He reminds himself, for the umpteenth time, that he is not thirteen anymore. Thirteen and more than half in love with Gon Freecs, the boy that meant the world to him. Thirteen and crazy enough to follow that boy anywhere.

Thirteen and stupid enough to think that 'forever' with Gon might not be such a bad idea, after all.

He knows, has known for a long time, that all those years back, his feeling for gone had gone a bit over normal frienship.

It had all probably started, he can guess, when he was taken to the Zoldylock mansion and held in captivity. When he had felt with such confidence, that Gon would definitely come to his rescue. Which was weird as it is because Killua had never needed anyone except for himself.

And then Greed Island had happened and he had fallen head over heels. How could not, he wonders, when Gon kept dropping such honest and embarrassing confessions out of his mouth?

The Chimera Ants part had been a big bump in the road, and he hadn't ever completely gone over it, even till now. He had been scared of himself hurting Gon, of himself leaving Gon behind to suffer. He had decided, with a heavy heart, that he would stay with Gon till Gon was strong enough. And then Killua would leave.

But, not even for a second, had Killua thought that it would be the other way around.

And so, with a twist of fate, life had played.

The moment he had realised that he would never leave Gon behind, Gon had decided that he wanted to be alone, after all.

Such overconfidence, he muses. It had slapped him right across the face.

And boy, had it hurt.

Right now, he wasn't sure about his feelings for Gon. He knows that he isn't in love with him anymore. At least, not that much. He doesn't know if any feelings linger. But one thing he knows for sure. He hasn't forgiven Gon yet. He doesn't know if he he ever will. He wants to hurt that jerk for doing this to him.

And that, is scary.

He won't accept Gon's apology until Gon is certain about mistake he has made. When Gon finally gets an idea about how he felt.

And it's selfish, because he also wants to see Gon again.

He wants to shake Gon, to make him realise everything.

It had been his fault too, he knows. Hadn't he been the one to tell Gon that he would help Gon search for his father till he figured out what he, himself, wanted to do?

He just hadn't expected the moment of decision to arrive.

But Gon had found his dad, and now there was no excuse to be by Gon's side anymore.

And then, he had figured out what he wanted to do.

_"But, you see, Gon...what I really wanted to do was...be by your side, always."_

But he hadn't been able to get it across, and so, they had parted.

He hates Gon for not getting it.

All in all, he hates Gon for giving him insomnia.

Somebody, give him his sleep back, dammit.

And for once, he would like to have a Gon-less dream.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

_"..Go."_

_"Why?!"_

_"...Go."_

_"But, Killua, I don't want to!"_

_"...Why is this imaginary Gon as whiny as the real one?!"_

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

It happens on the twenty-fourth, afternoon.

Alluka is out visiting shops and Killua is alone in the room reading a magazine. Yes, Alluka doesn't know that he has it, or she would have burnt it already. Maybe he is feeling a bit guilty for hiding something like this from his little sister, but, he is sixteen, for screaming out loud. He is an adolescent, she should understand that much.

The phone rings and Killua answers and hears Leorio's usual loud greeting.

From the background noises, he can guess that he is at a hospital. He frowns, he hates those. The last one he was in brings bad memories, with him sitting beside a mangled up body of the boy who wouldn't wake up no matter what he did, sick, almost dead with worry.

Leorio's voice sounds fairy normal.

But something is different. He can sense it.

Before he can ask, Leorio says the three words.

"Gon is here."

And just like that, his world shatters.

Not literally, ofcourse.

All that happens is that he unconsciously zaps the phone.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

"Brother, are you ok?" Alluka asks, hours later, when they both are standing under the Christmas tree, at eleven forty-five, as he had promised to Alluka. It hours after when Alluka came back to the room to find the blackened phone and Killua, standing in the same position as when he had received the call.

He nods, but the action is forced. He doesn't know. He just doesn't know.

He doesn't know how to react when something that you both dread and look forward to happens.

He has been thinking about this all day.

He has no idea what he is going to when he finally faces Gon tomorrow.

And, if Gon is really here, then that is Killua's best dream and worst nightmare rolled into one.

He just doesn't know, anymore.

He is scared that, when he sees Gon tomorrow, the resolve he has built over the past two years will shatter. Into pieces.

He is scared that when he sees Gon tomorrow, he will realise that he can never forgive Gon.

"Do you love him?" Alluka asks, suddenly, out of the blue, voice serious.

His eyes widen and he opens his mouth to deny the accusation. Because, ofcourse he loves Gon. He was his best friend. Even if he isn't in love with him anymore, doesn't mean that he doesn't love him. But that would just be feigning ignorance. He knows what Alluka is implying. So he takes a deep breath.

"Sometimes..." he murmurs, hoping she cannot hear, but he knows she can. "...when I forget that two years have passed, I do."

"...Then if you think you don't want to see him, you are an idiot, brother."

And with that, she turns away. He gapes at her, mouth open. And for a brief second, he wonders what it would be like if Gon is not there tomorrow. He would be disappointed. No doubt about that. It would hurt. But then again, isn't he used to that, with Gon?

No, he thinks, I do not want that.

_"I want to see that bastard."_

"I will be strong enough to see Gon, tomorrow." He says the words firmly, determined.

"Today."

"Huh?"

"It's twelve," she says, leaning forward and wrapping her arms around her neck, cheek pressed against his own. "Merry Christmas."

And as he stands there, Alluka in his arms, he glances at the star ornaments he and Alluka have hung on the Christmas tree. They are strangely remiscent of that night sky, long ago, under which two boys had made promises. One honest, the other embarrassed. But both happy.

He wants to draw that picture again.

He closes his eyes, picturing that sunny smile.

_"Please, I want to see Gon."_

And if he thinks back, this is his first true wish this Christmas.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

_"I am going to talk, even if I know it's not really you."_

_"So, you do this too, huh, Killua?"_

_"...Shut up."_

_"Killua, don't be embarrassed!"_

_"On second thought, this is a bad idea."_

_"No, it's not! It's good to see me, right?"_

_"...Congratulations, Gon Freecs, you have officially driven me crazy."_

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

He has always been a lone wolf. Always on the edge. Even when with his friends, he found himself at the corner, looking at them from there.

But Gon was like a loyal dog, friendly, and always with a pack. They were a bad combination from the start. A wolf will eventually tear the dog to shreds.

And yet, the contrast was welcoming.

They were both sides of the same coin.

_Or...sometimes, the dog will share his meat with the wolf and change him._

Right now, Killua stands in front of Leorio's door, hand holding the bag in his hand tightly. Alluka stands beside him, looking at him in worry.

"Why did you go to the pet shop this morning?"

"It's a secret," he says, glancing at package in the bag.

"You didn't buy something dangerous to set on Gon, did you?" She looks at the bag sharply, as if expecting some kind of monster to pop out. He chuckles, shaking his head. How offending of his little sister to think so lowly of him.

"Okay...ready when you are?"

He gives it all a thought. For the final time.

Taking the Hunter exam against the wishes of his family. Meeting a boy during the first test. Finding out he was about his age. Racing with him. Ending in a tie.

Him not judging Killua even after find out about his family. Wanting to be is friend. The boy coming to rescue him from his family.

Endless adventures. Laughter. Feeling normal for the first time in his life.

Falling in love with the boy.

_"It can't be anyone but Killua. It has to be him!"_

That's right, Gon, he thinks, smirking slightly.

_"It has to be me who teaches you a lesson for leaving us like that."_

And through the wood he hears a familiar warm voice, mixed with two others. It sounds different, but, oh, Killua would recognize together, sound so welcoming and Killua feels as if someone has rewinded the past two years.

It's a nice feeling.

And it hits him, ah, it's Gon, that _Gon_ is right there, on the other side of the door. Waiting.

He breaks down the door.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

His breath is knocked out of him.

There are three occupants in the room, all three of them whl he as missed dearly, and yet, he can't see anyone but the strangest of them.

He is tall, maybe almost as himself, but his hair make him look taller. He is wearing Leorio's long white shirt, and it's too big on him and he looks ridiculous with the small shorts he wears undernearth. His eyes shine warmly and Killua wonders how he could have mistaken them for the boy at the supermarket's. His lips are set in a smile, sunny but he can the small hint of uncertainty behind it. He looks shabby and messed up.

And Killua feels faint, because, God, he is looking at Gon.

And he doesn't know how he ever thought that he could handle this, because that little self-control he has managed to attain over the past two years is slipping away.

"I just wanted to apologise," Gon says, his voice warm, but firm. There is no uncertainty this time. It looks, as if he finally gets it.

What a slowpoke.

But, those five words are honest. He means it.

And Killua is torn between punching him and hugging him.

He chooses the former. The bag hits the floor and his fist moves fast, crackling with the flow of current. Gon seems to have chosen the latter, moving towards him, arms outstretched. His punch hits him on the cheek and Gon falls, hitting his back on the floor. Leorio gasps, but Kurapika stops him from moving.

In the corner of is mind, he notes that it was a good punch, but Gon could have easily dodged it if he wanted to.

The key words being: "wanted to".

Gon starts to stand up, rubbing his cheek. "I deserved that one," he says, chuckling wryly.

But Killua doesn't give him time to recover. Before Gon can even stand up properly, Killua is on him, trying to hold onto any part of him that is in his reach. His shoulders shake slightly and he knows that he is failing his attempt of a hug. It's awkward but he doesn't let go and neither does Gon, who has managed to put his arms around Killua's body too. How, he has no idea. "Idiot!" he screams, right into Gon's ear, and is satisfied when Gon cringes.

Alluka stands at the door, shaking her head at the scenario in front of her. "Oh boy."

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

Hours later, when all the catching up is done, he and Gon sit outside, beside each other, looking at the stars. Gon's cheek has turned blue, swollen. But Killua will not apologise. He just smiles, leaning against Gon.

"Your present is weird Killua!" Gon whines in his ear.

"...It's not."

"You gave me a leash! I am not dog!"

He grins, wrapping an arm around Gon's shoulder. "...Just don't wander off, idiot," he whispers, into Gon's ear.

And when he hears the faint.. "I won't"...against his own, he looks at the starry sky, feeling thirteen again.

Maybe he can count this as a promise.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

**Done!**

**So, this will be my last fanfiction for a while. School starts next week and I haven't as much as touched the homework.**

**Well, I hope you guys liked it! Sorry if there are any mistakes!**

**If you can, please review! **

**Until next time, folks!**


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